This Rocketship Will Crash

2012-01-20T16:18:00.001-06:00

BallfightsMy little brother and his new girlfriend came to town to visit me the same night as this month's Ballfights. They showed up at my apartment ready for me to be charming and hospitable, but I was already late, and so I stood in the hallway while they set their bags down. I furiously texted people at the lab, trying to explain why I wasn't there yet.My brother's new girlfriend went to

2011-12-17T20:00:00.004-06:00

Team BabiesChief research scientist Dr. Susannah Patel counted the votes in the cramped back room of the last bar on Earth that the crew of angry volunteer astronauts would ever see. Ejects, they called themselves. They could barely stand each other. Yet none of them could stand staying on this planet one more day. Dr. Patel was in charge of the program, but she would not be going with these

2011-11-29T23:35:00.022-06:00

CreamWhen a famous writer wants to write an exquisite porn story -- a story with no other purpose but to get people off -- all they must do to protect their career is to use a pseudonym. When a famous director wants to make an exquisite porn movie -- a movie with no other purpose but to get people off -- their task is much more difficult. Making a movie requires substantial resources, and the

2011-11-05T16:24:00.008-05:00

Where the Bottom Is At“I’m sorry about the awkward situation I have caused with my semen,” said Mo on the chilly autumn morning that Mo and his henchmen perpetrated their daring daylight funeral robbery at the Red Oak House. “I never had any wet dreams as a teenager. I didn’t start having wet dreams until I became homeless. It won’t happen again for awhile. I think I got all my junk out for

2011-10-16T14:48:00.014-05:00

VitalicsAt least the Catholics were consistent: it only took one new pope and one conclave before the Church declared that artificial intelligence also had the same right to life as fetuses and murderers.Priests ordained in the brotherhood of St. Vitus were dispatched to tech start-ups and research laboratories all over the world, ready to baptize any computers that met the strict qualifications

2011-05-14T18:12:00.002-05:00

Tower of SilenceBig Ben had been dead for six games now -- nearly a whole month -- and the realtor said we only had one day left to empty his house.Since the funeral, none of us had wanted to visit his place alone. When the realtor emailed Dr. Aziz and told him that we couldn’t put it off any longer, we decided to all go together.“One last afternoon at Benjamin’s,” said Dr. Aziz.According to the

2011-04-29T13:50:00.020-05:00

The GoodsI knew that Alexandra was ready for me to propose to her, but lesbian or not, there was no way that I was going to marry her without fucking her mother first.Obviously, I hadn’t told Alexandra about my plan. While we waited for her parents to arrive from their hotel, Alexandra and I cooked dinner for them and she told me stories about her childhood in London. I could tell that Alexandra

2011-02-17T16:02:00.018-06:00

DoolersI have been in a wheelchair since the car accident that killed my best friend Pete when I was sixteen, but the reason that I can’t use my right arm is because I fought a duel over a lady. It was a question of honor. We used .357 magnum revolvers at 50 paces.It all started when I moved to New York City from Austin, Texas. I moved to New York because my career had reached a dead end in

2011-01-16T19:25:00.004-06:00

Dinner ProI went out to drink whiskey with my punk friend Sally in order to hear about her date with the Dinner Pro.We sat at the bar next to these older Irish ladies with huge hair who looked like they were waiting for someone. Anyway, I kept smiling at them and they kept ignoring me.“So what was the Dinner Pro like?” I asked Sally. Sally had adders tattooed down both of her forearms. The

2011-01-06T21:34:00.014-06:00

The Super Secret International American Time BoxThe strangest story I ever heard while working as a police liaison was from this schizophrenic Iraq War veteran who took a bunch of hostages at a Whataburger on Christmas morning two years ago in Houston, Texas. She was convinced that she was a time traveler.Usually, my Christmas tradition is to spend the entire holiday high as a hawk, watching old

2010-12-09T04:32:00.010-06:00

Gene SmokeI learned everything I know about becoming irresistible to women from this Russian gangster named Bad Dima one night before they deported him to Petrograd.He was a regular at this bathhouse where I worked as a bartender, this place called The Human Samovar down in the Financial District. Bad Dima would have been just another middle-aged man trying to steam away his daily troubles if he

2010-10-25T00:19:00.006-05:00

How to Get Laid for Zero Dollars and Zero Cents There is a day in New York City when all the women decide to burst forth from the captivity of their winter clothes. After months of trying to imagine what women look like by squinting at the cut of their jackets or by applying mental calipers to their necks, suddenly you are surrounded by glorious skin. It is like getting stabbed in the eyes by

2010-10-14T12:39:00.001-05:00

We Have All Been Hurt by Television ActorsI was looking forward to my last day of working at Fried Beer for two reasons: 1). it was my last day of working at Fried Beer and 2). my coworker Laurie had promised to tell me her “sad Tom Arnold scat sex story” on my last day of work.Six months ago, a man had come up to the cart while Laurie and I were parked on Ludlow and had ordered ten orders of

2010-07-22T23:41:00.004-05:00

Fear Boys With DollsI didn’t want to go alone, so I convinced my fiancée Becca to come with me to Andy’s place to see his sex doll collection. I promised Becca we would only stay for an hour or so. She said Andy made her more uncomfortable than anyone she had ever met, but she understood that I was the closest thing he had to a real friend and so she said she would come with me to give me “

2010-07-06T20:11:00.004-05:00

Famous People Don’t CareWhen I tell people I used to work at Pippi’s Cafe in the city, everybody always asks me if I ever met Quentin Tarantino, because everybody knows he used to live right above Pippi’s when he was filming in New York. But I only worked there long enough to meet him once.The day I met Tarantino, it smelled like shit behind the bar when I started my shift. It was a stench of

2009-09-27T13:33:00.001-05:00

LeanerI hadn't had sex for two years when I discovered how to fuck a crowded subway car. The last time was with this girl Demetria. I rolled off her and it was as if the blood in my veins turned to frozen slush. She tried to rest her head against my shoulder but I stiffened up and I saw the truth. I knew what sex was. Intimacy. And I didn't want it.The fuckspree of my youth had left me

2009-08-11T01:27:00.002-05:00

Wedding ToastFather Kuppler sat in the confessional booth with his legs crossed while all the veins in his forehead throbbed like tapeworms crawling along an emaciated belly. The hour to hear confession was almost over. While he waited in the darkness for someone to unburden sins to him, he sharpened his fingernails with a small paring knife and a rasp. He wasn’t trimming his fingernails or

2009-06-25T09:24:00.000-05:00

Role-Playing GameIt was game night, and I have rules about game night. One of my biggest rules is that no one can be early, because I need the time to meditate and prepare my last minute details. That’s why when I heard the knock on the back office door I hesitated and wasn’t going to answer it. But then I thought: maybe it’s the delivery guy with yesterday’s missing shipment of Battlegear

2009-05-29T16:37:00.001-05:00

A Tense Situation and a ChainsawEveryone in the office stopped talking and leaned forward a little to hear what was going on. Job interviews were always exciting. “Here’s my first question,” asked Mike Hutcheson who was conducting the interview. He looked down at the notes in his hand. “Actually, that’s not my first question. My first question is why did you bring that chainsaw with you?”“

2009-04-30T17:42:00.001-05:00

Oh BoyMickey and Betsy stared at each other across the living room, puffs of wrapping paper littering the ground between them like unexploded landmines. Mickey was satisfied that it had been a good Christmas. He had given Betsy the emerald earrings she had mentioned after two glasses of wine during Thanksgiving dinner at Sid and Adelaide’s fancy dress potluck, and she had given him new socks,

2009-04-15T15:47:00.000-05:00

The Puke Bet“Here’s the bet,” said Spider, putting his arm around the Fiend Scumbag’s shoulders and casually steering him away from the crowd of ladies that had gathered around as soon as the roulette wheel stopped on the Fiend Scumbag’s lucky number, double 00. “If you can puke a urinal cake across a hotel room floor, I won’t tell Pete the Terrorist that you gambled with his bag money. If you

2009-03-01T19:57:00.000-06:00

Benjamin’s AbominationOne morning when the smell of fish, barbecue sauce, rotten eggs, and old milk was too strong to bear -- even from the safety and seclusion of my room -- I threw the covers off my naked legs and gathered all the trash I could find in the house, stuffing it inside several thick trash sacks and one mysterious cardboard box that had been sitting outside my roommate’s bedroom

2009-02-22T09:39:00.002-06:00

FuckchangedI met her at a sex club for weirdos who like to dress up as cartoon characters.You couldn't get in without a costume, and I didn't want to spend much time worrying about it, so I put on a nice suit, dyed my hair red, stuck an ex-girlfriend's dildo out of my zipper, and I told the bouncer I was the guy from Flaming Hott brand condoms."That's not a cartoon character," said the bouncer,

2009-01-15T06:22:00.007-06:00

The Gas Bet“Here’s the bet,” said Spider, who was driving. He craned his head around to look into the backseat where I sat. His hand found Cat’s knee next to him and he rubbed it for luck. Cat stared out the window at the miles of unrolling highway and tried to touch her tongue to her nose. “The bet is: if I can make it to the next town without hitting the brakes once, you have to buy the

2008-11-23T15:13:00.002-06:00

The Polecat The Yankee had been washing dishes at the Buck Fever Lounge for a month. He took the job thinking he was going to get laid by hot Texas girls who thought the Atlantic Ocean was exotic, but instead he only did a lot of dishes for minimum wage and took shit from everyone, including the waitresses, who were invisible on account of the strippers and who made crap tips and who took

2008-10-16T14:58:00.001-05:00

God’s Big Thumbs I lost my legs at the kneecaps in a car accident. I was drinking and I hit a guy who had also been drinking, and he got his head chopped off and I only lost my ankles, shins, and feet. There was more alcohol in his blood than in mine, and so the judge shrugged and gave me probation. In another drunk fog one night, I got tattoos on my stumps -- tattoos of thick purple

2008-10-01T23:27:00.001-05:00

Total Eclipse, Starring Hurley Moon Captain Pimlet looked over at his copilot, who was passed out with his head thrown back over his swivel chair like a sock strung over a dresser mirror. “Dang it,” said Captain Pimlet. “Dang you, Copilot Tim.” They were flying as high as they could go over the Pacific, carrying three hundred coach class travelers, fifty business class go-getters,

2008-08-31T22:58:00.001-05:00

My Summer Vacation I had a car, and I put in a full tank of gas every Monday so I could limp to work during the rest of the week. But this Monday morning, I sat there watching the numbers spin until they hit forty dollars, and when I dug my last two wretched twenties out of my pocket and paid the guy inside, he didn’t even look up from the floor. He wasn’t reading anything or talking to

2008-05-18T23:21:00.003-05:00

Book Lover This is how I got picked up for four counts of B&E. My girlfriend and I wanted to get out of town for a few months. We wanted to see some places overseas, and maybe go home and see her folks. But we didn’t have the money, so she came up with a pretty good idea to get some traveling funds together. First thing, we got on the internet and started looking at all the apartment

2008-04-29T01:33:00.005-05:00

Lead On, Blood-Black Footprints Father Quickly watched from the Rectory across the street as Lovovich crept out of his house and hobbled down the driveway to the curb. He was wearing wrinkled grey pants that bunched up like paper around his calves, and he had on a linen shirt -- unbuttoned at the collar -- that hung cockeyed across his frail shoulders like the stiff envelope of a stick of

2008-04-07T04:15:00.008-05:00

Always Rape the Last Coke Machine As Anne and Helen entered the dining room of the Hotwood family boarding house, all male eyes unglued from plates of taters and black corn and snapped up to feast instead on the rare bits of female company. Anne and Helen took their seats near the head of the table, sitting so close together that they might have been conjoined twins from a traveling geek show.

2008-03-24T12:06:00.005-05:00

Needy Greedy The guy next to me had pulled out his IV before he thrashed himself into silence, and the nurses were all avoiding him now that he was dead and no longer begging for drugs. “A gusher,” said a doctor coming towards me, looking at the puddle of blood around the dead man’s gurney with limp, baggy eyes. “We cannot have all this over the floor, or someone will slip and fall, and

2008-02-15T08:20:00.010-06:00

The Famous and Expensive Breathing TechniqueThe greasy man with the delicate fingers got down on his hands and knees in his hovel – down as far as he could go, with his forehead actually pressed against the floor in a sticky patch that snagged his stringy hair between the broken tiles. He did what he did every morning: he prayed for someone to die.But would it even matter? Was there anyone around

2008-01-31T00:04:00.000-06:00

Hi, Men “Hi, men,” said Cindy Minto, Pastor Ron Minto’s wife. “Tonight, we’ve got some special rules for the wait staff, and your manager Jane Wong said that I should go ahead and brief you because she is busy. There are only three rules, so I’m just going to go ahead and tell you real quick, so you can all go back to setting up the tables and chairs.” Cindy Minto looked down at the legal

2008-01-14T03:04:00.000-06:00

Little Tin Box, Filled with Sins Getting upstairs had been easy. It had simply been a matter of walking past the “DO NOT GO UPSTAIRS” sign on the landing, scrawled in snakes of red crayon. And there were enough couches in the upstairs “game room” that we could all lie down on our own choice specimens while we waited, stretching out full-length in lazy, overstuffed splendor. The three of

2008-01-03T02:12:00.000-06:00

Jiva Squeeze Harrier and his young wife Judy stood in the kitchen of their house. Their daughter was still asleep and they were trying to be quiet. Between them stood a pile of eggs and toast that neither had really touched. “You’ll do great,” whispered Judy. She put her hands up and Harrier bent down and hugged her with his usual stiff precision. They kissed each other

2007-12-01T23:31:00.000-06:00

Vunly Spunktial Rellunctionshump Mickey Yarblatz helped himself to a handful of cinnamon dot candy from the crystal dish on Vice-Principal Diane’s desk. While Vice-Principal Diane pulled up Mickey’s conduct record on her computer (the name “Yarblatz” stood alone, and yet it was so familiar), Mickey chewed the candy with a face that passed through three distinct stages: glee, disgust,

2007-11-28T20:02:00.000-06:00

What Was Stuck in the U-Bend“Raise your hand if you are here to have sex with my wife,” said Bertram. Most everyone waiting on the Kildare’s front lawn raised their hand, including several young men wearing one-piece grey jumpers that signified they were in the repair industry, and several wearing blue chambray shirts that signified cars. All of the women raised their hands, causing the men

2007-11-01T18:32:00.000-05:00

The Man Who Was So Poor That He Could Not Stop Crying “How do you know he’s not homeless, if he never takes you home?” asked Sasha, pursing her lips and checking her reflection in the window of a store that sold ice cream to dogs. She scratched at a powder-concealed scab on the corner of her mouth, and narrowed her eyes at her ghostly twin. There was a man inside the ice

2007-10-23T23:28:00.000-05:00

Down Sub Suicide Slaves Your Black Boiled Conch was right on the waterfront, with its front end accessible by rowboat from the big wooden ships and skiffs that moored in the grey, wine-thin waters of the rich and brisk Cold Sea. The Black Boiled Conch had a back door that led to the dock district, but most sea-going visitors treated the Conch as a miniature of the entire city itself

2007-10-01T19:27:00.000-05:00

An Omelet for Demon Joe Demon Joe had a pretty good job in Hell. He worked a Sloth Pit, and he didn’t have to check in with a superior every day like so many of his peers. Nearly everyone in Hell was a tyrannical martinet, so you considered yourself very lucky if your boss stayed off your ass and simply let you do your job. Demon Joe had been born and raised near the

2007-09-23T20:34:00.000-05:00

The Hard Window Ingot Carstairs put his hand on the small of Amanda Sandwich’s back and pushed. Naked, she drifted slowly across Bay 2, spread-eagled and perversely flapping her arms as if she were trying to doggie-paddle from a rocky jetty to a waiting raft. “Do not flap,” said Major Capstan brutally. “Do not flap, do not kick. Flapping will do nothing. You are in

2007-09-13T13:44:00.000-05:00

Smash the Fast, Fast PopsnakeThey pushed Hum-Hum down to the rails and held him while they chained his ankles. Hum-Hum didn’t stop fighting the whole time, and -- as he flailed -- he even knocked over the skinny middle-aged man that was in charge; the man with long white wrists and a ratty grey ponytail that only grew out of the back of his head. He was shiny-bald on

2007-04-23T17:39:00.000-05:00

Imagine My Ass “I don’t see why I have to buy extra school supplies,” said Mr. Regan. “I send you off to school clothed and fed, and then I have to buy extra supplies for you whenever you have to do some damn project. Whatever happened to books and chalk?” “I need poster board to make a poster,” said Sidney. “I’ve already got markers and tape. I’m going to use cut-ups of Mom

2007-03-28T10:48:00.000-05:00

Year of the Famine Dogs (A speech delivered to the “Competitive Eating Association of America” by Coach Ahmet Winter. Winter went way over his allotted time, but he was impossible to remove from the stage. Gary Furler tried everything: tapping his watch, turning the lights on and off, even prematurely clapping and approaching the stage magnanimously. Nothing worked.) Where

2007-02-11T20:21:00.000-06:00

The Stars Hold and Hold “As you know, I will be gone for the holidays,” said Grace, the entertainment editor. She was ready to leave for the day, looming, a plastic bag full of “Face” magazines stolen from the archives now twisting from one of her hands. Stoope picked his head up off his desk where it was marinating in a pile of his own drool and looked over the

2007-01-25T10:37:00.000-06:00

My Psychic Baby Was a Werewhale Coming to the beach had been their Crystal Man’s idea. The Crystal Man was recommended to them by Jeanne Anne’s mother, and Pedro Diamante had not fought, despite instantly pegging the man as a charlatan and ultimately trusting him less than he trusted his junkie mules, who had to be paid upfront to fix, and then flew in and out of

2006-12-22T15:38:00.000-06:00

I Am FranceHector sat in an armless wooden chair in front of a cold steel card table, drumming his jeweled fingers in hard-time and obsessively checking his watch. He didn’t want to miss his flight, but it looked like there was no choice about it. He would have to book another one. He could afford it. That certainly wasn’t the problem. He thumbed through his passport again -- and again! –

2006-11-28T21:18:00.000-06:00

The Instrument1. AllegroWith a shoe in the small of his back, his face down, snarling, and trying to push up into the living room from his trembling elbows, Kay Tian first noticed the bruises on his left forearm on the night his brother came to take back his piano. His face cleared and he drifted for a second, a single roller skate launched from the top cone of a pyramid.“Wonder how that

2006-11-04T13:32:00.000-06:00

How to PanicI couldn’t believe it. He was back, again. It was the man’s third time in the store today, and something like the fifteenth time this week. He slipped in through the sliding glass doors as if stunned that the automatic sensors would still register for his palsied, atrophied frame. I even heard him bawk like a chicken – once, sharply; surprised, clueless. He stared at the open

2006-11-03T11:08:00.000-06:00

Fear of ChildrenThe tiny class of students sat very still and quiet on their individual squares of carpet.In came Miss Green, clutching and twisting her hands behind her back as if she were wringing out blood from a towel. “Look at all these little lambs,” said Miss Green. “Good morning, little angels.”“Good morning, Miss Green,” said a few of the sleepy 4th grade girls. The boys gawked and

2006-10-10T20:26:00.000-05:00

CourageIt was 4 o’clock in the morning. Charles groaned, rolled his legs out of bed, and scrambled into the bathroom – pissed off. He threw open the medicine cabinet and knocked aside his toothbrush, dumping it into the dirty little sink with a twist of the sash on his bathrobe. He opened up a bottle of sleeping pills (with aspirin!). He took a handful and then crawled back into his cold bed,

2006-10-01T20:37:00.000-05:00

Grandpa Tells a StoryGrandpa was sitting in his medical oversupply wheelchair and humming to himself, remembering out loud. It was an old tune that he and Grandma used to dance to, before she left him. Some days he remembered he was alone, and other days he didn’t.“Enough already, Grandpa,” said Miller.“Yeah, you are humming AGAIN,” said Kimberly, exasperated.“The problem with you kids is that

2006-09-29T14:14:00.000-05:00

Arms, Legs, and MoneyThe slab of steel was as cold as mercy on Sam’s back, and nowhere else. He couldn’t remember much of the evening. There had been too much drinking. There was the inevitable fight, and then those three doctors had showed up and started asking questions after they had soldered up the wounded. Who had called them? Had there been cops? Sam couldn’t remember. Those doctors

2006-09-16T20:48:00.000-05:00

The Ballroom GameI looked up and must have made a face.I was sitting across the room from a man who had a scar that literally ran from the top of his scalp all the way to underneath his chin. It wasn’t one of those simple indentations, either – the kind you see from dog bites and knife slips. This scar had finger-width wings of pink on either side with latticework across its median like kernels

2006-04-07T09:33:00.000-05:00

FormicationFirst Mate Cabot laid out three items on the silver tray in the mutineer’s room. He did this grimly, and he kept looking at the door, as if expecting someone to bust in at any moment.“I don’t think Captain Trig is coming,” said First Mate Cabot, finally. “We’d better get started.”On the tray, he put a screwdriver, a length of nylon cord, a copy of the Riverside Shakespeare that must

2006-03-10T23:54:00.000-06:00

Own Your Own HandsThe guard went down under the balls of Jimmy’s steel Nubs like a marionette with cut strings. The brisket of her neck rose up in two welts like interlocking spheres, like planets conjoining atop the newly twisted nerve in her skull that now rendered her unconscious, useless, and perhaps permanently damaged.There were precisely five other things you could do well with a Utility

2006-02-16T10:10:00.000-06:00

The Time TreeArturo laughed. Arturo was fucking penniless.You didn’t just wake up poor one day. It never came as a shock and surprise. Even people who suddenly lost all of their money in stock market crashes or in catastrophic wheat fires still had plenty of rich friends to call on who knew the tricks of the money-making game. They knew what branches to shake and which slots to stick a finger

2006-02-01T15:47:00.000-06:00

The Haberdasher’s DaughterOn his way to the tavern to take a room for the night, Franklin the Writer moped along the sidewalk with his eyes dragging the ground like fingers tracing dirty words in beach sand. The mail carriage which had carried him into town left him rattled and jittery, loosening the flesh on his bones with the constant shock of each stone as it passed underneath the cartwheels

2006-01-14T19:13:00.000-06:00

Bones in the PumpkinFor one thing, we were certain the pumpkin’s bulges were moving around. We stopped letting Baby Chester sit on top of it and get his picture taken the first time we saw it pulse, its cancerous thrum shaking a knobbly blot on the side and then glugging it like the last swallow from a plastic bottle. We stopped touching it. We put police tape around it, even. The kids said

2005-12-08T12:49:00.000-06:00

Powder GirlThe Guns had extra ammunition this year. They had something that none of the other bands booked for Mess Fest had. They had a Powder Girl. And they were gonna get fucked up on brand new experimental dope, right in front of the cops, the cameras, and every federal agent in town. “This show will be pure hell,” said Ronny Cake, lead guitarist for The Paisleys, a machine-beat funk

2005-11-19T17:14:00.000-06:00

Friday Special at Jiff’s Texas BarbecueI flicked my eyes at her twice and then shrugged. We were seated on stiff particle board pews by the door, waiting for a table to clear up. There was gum all under the seat and the flappy fabric around my calves kept getting stuck in it.“Well?” she asked, nearly peeing herself with expectation.“I don’t get it,” I said, “I guess I fail. Shit, Rosa, there’s

2005-11-19T17:08:00.000-06:00

Jawhole DownsAs usual, the King of Knots and Corners was busy in his tower workshop, bare-chested, bending a long glass tube into a glowing spiral. He was covered in lightning bugs, and the darkling stone bricks of the keep behind him glittered in luciferic pulses like the constellations. Sweat poured from his grey locks and collarbone, steaming from his callused hands and his burning fixture.

2005-10-22T19:27:00.000-05:00

Xed OutMaybe it was the cottage cheese and coffee sitting on top of the freeze-dried cream pasta. Maybe it was all the stress boiling away in his gut like a volcanic mud pocket. Or maybe he had caught a bug at the airport, where kids with bruised-up legs and snot-bubble noses rubbed their bony hands over everything, every pore on their poisonous bodies secreting pathogenic jelly. Whatever it

2005-10-01T09:24:00.000-05:00

The Laziest KittenCinnamon was a very lazy kitten. He didn’t like to do any more work than was absolutely necessary, and this meant that he spent most of his time sitting under the porch, licking his own anus, and drinking hot tea -- while reading French literature that no one else had the patience for.“Why don’t you like to DO anything?” asked Rubella, a kitten with a particular urge to run

2005-09-17T01:40:00.000-05:00

Zipper StingThe article went out in “Ripper” magazine. Yes (it said, but certainly not in so many words) -- it’s so damn easy, it’s almost legal. Come! Come! Come! Bring money, take a vacation. Your Ripper inside knows what you want and the perfect place to get it. Listen up; take advice; get dirty; get satisfaction. Money changed hands. Receipts and bills of lading were conveniently

2005-09-06T18:36:00.000-05:00

Under Fat CityMitch was supposed to meet Tonya’s friend underneath the bleachers at the next “football” game. Mitch thought he was joking. He casually started to suggest meeting in his own apartment, but the guy cut him off, laughing through his teeth like a snake. Ssss, ssss, ssss.“No way, man,” he said. “See you under Fat City.”“It just doesn’t seem like the kind of place…” stammered Mitch.

2005-08-29T19:22:00.000-05:00

Kid Busts LooseDarby was just about to take a fifteen minute smoke break when the kid came tearing out from Sattler & Grand. The mall was slow, and the few people milling around in Darby’s sector of the Circle turned to stare. Big mistake for one guy carrying a yellow hatbox wrapped in black twine. The kid plowed into him, jarring him so hard that his glasses fell off. His hatbox fumbled out

2005-07-21T02:28:00.000-05:00

Levitating TalcOn the winding hedge-lined walkway to the front door of Wexler York’s sprawling inner city mansion, I counted six separate people passed out in bilious pools of their own crystal-clear, inflammable vomit. The trails mingled and connected like oil slick on the pit floor of a garage. A single cigarette butt could have turned all six into alcohol-soaked kindling.I turned three of

2005-06-06T22:36:00.000-05:00

Yes, We Have ThoseThe woman who kept banging the “help” bell had lacquered pink fingernails with looping spiral designs in silver. I could see her through the frosty meat window, and that meant she could see me.I ambled into the shop front and stood there with my arms crossed. We stared at each other while she searched for words. I knew exactly what she wanted -- but it’s in my nature to make

2005-06-04T11:40:00.000-05:00

Wendy, the Snake, and the Man UpstairsThis is how Wendy’s husband found out she was having an affair. He’s not in this story, though, believe it or not. He was at work doing something mysterious with numbers that made the rest of his life madly adventurous by comparison. His red pen and his black pen were weighed at the end of each day, and if they didn’t even out, he had to stay an extra hour

2005-04-29T04:42:00.000-05:00

WonderworldWith a jangle and a crunch, the little glass bell fell off the front door and hit the ground outside, where it dimpled and skidded instead of shattering. It was unsecured, sure – but that was because the pet store was closed. Closed, and out of business. There was only one person who would ignore a clearly labeled “Closed” sign and barge in, so Curtis didn’t even look up. Curtis was

2005-03-29T01:55:00.000-06:00

Vim “I need you to make a run out to the home in West Kindlebranch, right down off the highway,” said Big Ass Pete.“The home?” asked Jenny.“Yeah, the nursing home out there. But it’s a special deal, so pay attention. It’s going to take awhile, but that means you don’t have to worry about helping me close. When you’re done, you can just take off, alright? Just give the money to your Dad.”“Is

2005-02-17T00:51:00.000-06:00

Quiet, Sexy Nights Alone Dad wouldn’t stop whistling meaningless jazz, and Mom had put on her lipstick nearly a full centimeter away from her mouth. For the millionth time, Nicky wished he was born an orphan. But his parents definitely seemed more nervous than usual today.“Where are we going?” he asked, not really caring. The Rent-A-Car had tinted windows.“Look for yourself, ‘cause we’re

2005-01-07T22:55:00.000-06:00

Fleabag Nanobots came in a big, empty cardboard crate. Holman Yawp found this hilarious. You ordered a set in the mail, waited six months, and then they showed up in a giant burlywood box with nothing inside but packing peanuts and an instruction manual taped to a cinder block. The actual Nanobots were in a plastic envelope about the size of postage stamp which decorated the manual’s front

2004-12-04T20:40:00.000-06:00

Gotta Go Get Cut “I am a thing, like a dirty dish,” said the woman in yellow, staring at the new arrival with unblinking eyes. There were but two lonely chairs in the entire downstairs of the converted condominium, and they were facing each other across a wide expanse of wine-stained, cigarette-burned carpet. The only other person downstairs was something snoring in a sleeping bag on the

2004-11-14T01:19:00.000-06:00

Cheerio, Citizen 17 He was sopping wet and had no hair. Why was he even standing? He lifted his chin off of his chest and tried to scream for help, but his teeth were chattering too wildly to expel anything linguistic, and instead he just stood there squeaking pathetically. Five different warm towels began to assault him, wiping at the frost on every appendage, and he decided to open his

2004-11-01T23:26:00.000-06:00

Easy Souls It was the first year Ms. Rogers also handed out candy. Every other year at Halloween she either left her lights off completely and didn’t answer her door, or she handed out pamphlets she bought from Reverend Mauler for a penny a piece. She usually bought a hundred and fifty, and when all of the black and Hispanic children from North Oleander swarmed on her nice, clean neighborhood

2004-10-18T08:13:00.000-05:00

Dab of Honey She clutched her handbag to her chest like it was a frightened cat. A plonging kerplank sounded from the floor and she squeezed too hard, breaking the clasp and sending cosmetics, change, sanitary napkins, and a TV Guide out through the top flap like dough from a tube of biscuits. The glass door opened. She squeaked, and then a reassuring hand was on her shoulder. “All done.

2004-10-01T22:50:00.000-05:00

Interview with Angus Morning(Reprinted with permission from The Atlantic Monthly, September 2002)It was a hell of a trek finding the place. I stood on the corner of 4th and San Jacinto, luggage in hand, asking each pedestrian that strolled by if they knew how to get to a street called South Congress. Most of them just ignored me. Some told me to get a job. Others tried to figure out what I

2004-09-22T05:18:00.000-05:00

He Came to Work Sure enough, by the time Charlie punched in, Emmanuel had already been stacking dirt for an hour and half. Charlie checked the punch card to make sure it wasn’t a typo, and then stuck it back in the plastic pocket. The punch card machine didn’t make mistakes. Charlie slipped on his green Kale’s Nursery jumpsuit and peeked into the back lot from inside the utility shed.

2004-09-22T05:15:00.000-05:00

Coattail “If you were going to kill someone, how would you do it?” “Poison. Definitely poison.” “Why poison? There are so many ways to go wrong with poison.” “Like how? You don’t even have to be on the same continent with your victim. There’s a lot to like about poison’s anonymity, speed, and finality.” “Well, what if it fucks up? What if you get the dosage wrong, or your man is

2004-08-18T17:44:00.000-05:00

Selective Service We were kicking some serious ass on Mars that summer. It wasn’t even funny. You could download this one hologram of these Martians all dressed up in shiny purple uniforms, their hollow eyes bulging with surprise as they are blown apart from space by our orbiting unmanned Dreadnaughts. One minute they are sitting there having a cup of rocks and a red dirt pita -- or whatever

2004-05-16T07:49:00.000-05:00

The Second Labor My first instinct was to keep on going and find some other way to make money. Sucking dicks in the kitchen of a country and western bar, for instance. Looking at the lawn as I rode up on my bicycle, my stomach body-slammed itself as I realized I was going to have to do actual work, something to which I am normally allergic. But then I remembered that I was getting paid in

2004-05-16T07:48:00.000-05:00

A Posteriori Look: things get stuck inside people asses, and somebody has to pull them out, okay? Sorry for losing my temper, but there’s no need to dance around the issue. It’s not a glamorous job, but I get paid ridiculous amounts of money to do something that’s usually pretty easy, is always interesting, and is something at which I consider myself a consummate professional. Let me just

2004-05-16T07:46:00.000-05:00

Intercepted To Whom It May Concern: [Lengthy introduction omitted by editorial fiat to preserve anonymity for the purposes of mass publishing. Nothing spectacular, anyway. The author rambles on about the “unsung call to heroism of the common man,” and eventually identifies himself as a nationally syndicated radio talk show host whose daily call-in program concerning the supernatural has won

2004-05-16T07:44:00.000-05:00

A Bad Investment Johnny stared hard at the quarter in his hand. “Um…” “Johnny! Hey, check this out! Dude, man, whenever you die, your body explodes! Check it out…blood and infected pink zombie pus like, flies out at the screen and the whole console shakes. I think the white bits are bone and gristle. Do people make gristle? Maybe only when they are zombies.” Johnny turned the coin

2004-01-21T14:46:00.000-06:00

Prostration It was, of course, inevitable that the Sun and I would end up in a fight to the death. Helios, Baal, Apollo – whatever name you want to put on that fascist whoremonger, it had been broiling my life into writhing and miserable meat pie ever since my birth. Somebody hooked a lasso around my shin and dragged me out of the womb - too weak to push myself in front of a bus, too pudgy

2003-12-27T00:17:00.000-06:00

Blue Ones SPLASH cough cough cough cough cough coughcoughcoughcough cough cough cough “You’re up. Fantastic. Now we can begin.” “What’s going on? Please don’t kill me.” It was dark as almighty hell. The ropes bit into his wrists, but not in a burning, chafing kind of way. More like tight fat snakes holding his hands palm-together behind his back. Nylon. There was a twisted

2003-09-13T01:07:00.000-05:00

That Bitch, the Sea “Look, my good man, now that we have some free time, it seems that we are in a perfect position to continue our discussion.” “This is hardly the time or the place, Kincaid, you silly ass.” It was not yet blazing hot, but it certainly soon would be. The ocean was huge - interminable - and the whole world seemed to be cut into different gradients of blue. The sky was a

2003-09-12T21:59:00.002-05:00

A New, Better Daddy “Did you take your medication today, darling one?” “Yes, mother.” “Because you know how you get when you don’t. I know when you haven’t, and I know when you are lying, dearest.” “I’m not lying, mother. I took the little red one when I woke up, and I took a half of a half of the little white one with breakfast coffee, and then I just took them both again.” “Do you think

2003-07-26T18:23:00.000-05:00

A Splinter in Your Palm Do you mind if I sit here next to you? I know the bus is pretty empty, but I noticed you don’t have a book or anything, so I thought you might like the company. It looks like we’re in for a long ride here, kid. I know strangers coming up and talking to you can make you feel uncomfortable, and you’ll pretty much say anything to get them to leave you alone, but I’ve

2003-04-02T23:03:00.000-06:00

PART 1 - The Gates of Paradise A soldier named Nobushige came to Hakuin, and asked: "Is there really a paradise and a hell?" "Who are you?" inquired Hakuin. "I am a samurai," the warrior replied. "You, a soldier!" exclaimed Hakuin. "What kind of ruler would have you as his guard? Your face looks like that of a beggar." Nobushige became so angry that he began to draw his sword, but

2003-02-08T23:04:00.000-06:00

Rat’s Star "You can't start enjoying your lot in life until you've figured out what it is." - Mary Phelps Jacob “Well, that was certainly a hell of a lot of fun.” “I must, of course, agree with you.” The room was filled with swirling blue flashes of occult lightning and the lingering, empty smell of stale church incense - an empty smell compared to the piles of fine cheeses that lined

2003-01-20T19:17:00.000-06:00

Ajar “Consciousness is a disease.” – Miguel de Unamuno Dr. Foster tapped the side of the jar with his ear up to the glass like somebody thumping an avocado, frowning. This “Jason” had always been problematic. 2. Things were beginning to get complicated, again. For instance… The undercooked potato was not as salty today as it usually was. Was it a sign? Were things not as they

2002-12-01T02:18:00.000-06:00

Sehr Fischartig “Lookit, Mama...this fish has a moustachieeee!” SMACK whimper “Ah tolle you not to run off like thayat! Better mine me, yu little shét...” Two moonpie faces loomed before Fisch, and he saw that they were good, and clean, and their eyes were huge. And not blue. Neither was their hair blonde. Now Fisch couldn’t decide what he found more interesting,

2002-12-01T02:12:00.000-06:00

Monday A TRUE Account of the Fundaments of Our Present Distress by Theodore Leer Nobody suspected the moon. It had always been there, innocuous and sweet, providing cool light at night to keep the sky from eating the Earth, regulating tides, regulating menstruation and insanity, and giving drunks something to stumble towards on their way home from the bars after last call. We set our calendars

2002-12-01T01:56:00.000-06:00

Teeth in the Tail of the Snake Mostly, Actor thought philosophy was bullshit. But today he was in a mood. Time is more like those rocks in orbit around the gas giants than we’d like to admit, he thought, surprising himself. How? Each of the rocks has designs on having a separate trajectory and direction, wanting to escape and move independently of the damning causal flow, trying to exist

2002-12-01T01:43:00.000-06:00

Rash In years past, the warm, yeasty area underneath the foreskin had been a veritible hotbed of revolutionary activity. Now, the old bacteria spent most of their time reminiscing about bygone days, succumbing quietly and methodically to various treatments and drugs, their ranks more and more depleted as microbiological inertia took its mighty toll. Resignation compounded with impotence